Harpers' Trousers.

 "I need to choose..."
 May 06, 2005 - 10:52 a.m.

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Warning: Apparently I wrote a fucking novel.

I have a girlfriend of a year and 5 months (almost) that I love... but lately things have been falling apart between us. She is younger (she's 19, I am 22), and wanted experience with other people. (I am her first long term relationship) At one point about two months ago we decided to take a break so that she could gain experiences with other people. It didn't last long 'til we got back together, and two weeks later she ended up kissing another person a couple of times, the first time while we were "together". So, we took another break while she sorted that out, and now she is adamant that she loves me and has chosen to be with me. I still think that she still wants to be free for a while, and I want her to be happy. I also had a hard time letting go of the fact she kissed another person when she was supposed to commited to me, but I am trying to get over that.

While all that other person shit was going down, I went a little nuts (I was heartbroken) and started to randomly flirt with people. (Before all this stuff happened, the only person I ever looked at was my girlfriend.) Now one of the people I would talk to was a good friend of mine who likes to sleep around. For the time while my girlfriend and I were apart, she would semi flirt back, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary with us. I think this is when I started to think of her as more. We didn't become good friends until this past year, and I always wondered why, suddenly, she wanted to talk to me more than she did in past years (I've known her for like 3 years almost). Now skip to last saturday, when my girlfriend was out of town and I went clubbing with my friends to celebrate another good friends' birthday. She (the other girl) was there, and was flirting with me and teasing me hardcore. I was a little buzzed, but I wasn't drunk enough not to know I couldn't be too near her, lest I do something stupid. This would happen where I talk to some people, and she would come over and smile at me, then stand really close like she was daring me to do something. I would usually step back and tell her to go off with my other friend (whose birthday it was) and they would kiss while my friends girlfriend looked on. (I know, it was weird, but permission for whatever was there... and its none of my business anyhow.) She knows she is a tease, but its usually other people I see her tease, and we talk about that and stuff. She doesn't want to date seriously because she has been really hurt in the past, and she just thinks this is better for her right now. I don't want to see her hurt anymore, and she knows this. I ended up riding home with her that night because she gets lost in the city (D.C.) and I knew how to get back. There was this shady guy walking around her car, so she grabbed my hand on the way back to her car and held it until we got there.

I had convinced myself that this was just a blip in my life, and I thought that I should just forget this night and just go back to trying to get past this whole "my girlfriend kissed another person a few times" thing. Then on Tuesday, a bunch of my friends and I were at an end of the school year party for a student organization we're in (and a bunch of us were leaders of). She was there and was back to teasing me. She said it was fun to tease me, and told me later that I must of at least be flattered by it if I blush at her actions/words. At one point, some friends and I were outside talking and I was sitting on a short wall (about 3.5 feet high) when she walks up to me and puts herself between my legs. I moved and asked her why she did that. At that point she grabbed my hand, laughing, and said that it was all good and that she loved me (it was said in a friendly manner.) I told her I loved her too, after asking her to repeat what she said. She's never told me she loved me before.

Since that night, we have exchanged text messages and IM's with each other. She basically said that when I look at her, my "eyes tell her I want to make love to her." She's told me that I am very sexy and how she wants to fuck me. I told her that I am a conquest to her, and that I am starting to feel guilty about this stituation. Last night I asked her to tell me that she would want to fuck me, but not date me (I don't fuck around). She said she wouldn't do that, because she didn't know. She also said that I was too good of a friend to forget when I told her that if she ever had me, she would then drop me. This was the point when my girlfriend came home and seemed to know something was off with how I was acting. I told her that I loved her, but right now all I feel is guilt when I am around my girlfriend, and I feel high when I am around this other girl.

Looking back, I can remember her saying things like "If I were your girlfriend, I would be giving you a massage right now." once when she felt how tense my back/neck was. Just simple things like that. Maybe I am reading too much into this. My other friend was telling me about how, even a long time ago, she would flirt with me, and how there is more to our friendship than I am seeing. I wouldn't ever fuck this girl, I don't fuck. But there is a part of me that wants to see what would happen if I were single. I wouldn't ever do anything physical with anyone while I am with someone else.

Its funny, because I know what advice I would give to myself if this were happening to another person. I wouldn't empathise, and being able to remove myself from it lets me see what I should do, but this whole situation is fucked.

So, what should I do? Forget about the other girl and concentrate on making my relationship better? Let my girlfriend have more time and then see what happens? I have been thinking lately that maybe I don't want to be settled as much as I am. I used to be very comfortable with the idea of only being with her for the rest of my life, but now I am questioning a lot of things I never used to.


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